Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage

Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage
By Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those
who reflect" (30: 21).

I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic
marriage, as well as, those who are already married. I do not pretend to
be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at
the early age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my
way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a
graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules are:

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious
of this than the Prophet. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal
hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most
likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your
appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task
is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long
Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society
that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the
shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon
non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your mate to get
side-tracked by the likes of a Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you
will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.

2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing. Muslim
spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do
things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions
prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are
taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her
children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to
maintain the family. She may have read about Birth Control and assumed
that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the
Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions
prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry about her
financial situation interfering with her right to bear children.
However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families may have to
resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This
creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can place extreme
stress on a m arriage. In this ease, it may be helpful for the Muslim
couple to delay having children, for the wife to work while the children
are young and until the couple 's financial situation improves. Islam
gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it.

3. Be a companion to your mate. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's
interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run races
with 'Aisha. By all means try to involve your mate in your interests.

4. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your
commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet.
Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have
dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't
neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the
quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and
contacts.

5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your
mate errs. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims
fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to
admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when
your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to
motivate him or her in the right direction.

6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minor
aggravations.

7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to test
your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only
cause dissension and bad feelings.

8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially
important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet
always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own
clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the
evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the
afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best
of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi) .

9. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone,
away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can
give to a marriage.

10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him how
handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion.
Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

11. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can.
Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and
belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim
couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet
did not live this way, neither should you.

12. Respect your mate's need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself,
either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable
person agreeable.

13. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few
exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make
sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you
have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or
her out first.

14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods. If you want to share a personal
achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' . Wait
for the proper time.

You may be saying to yourself, "This is easier said than done." Well,
you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply
a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and
determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means
having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then,
its perfection is "half of faith".

Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of
our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead righteous. Qur'an 25:74

"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife" (Muslim)

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those
who reflect" (30: 21).